The Liberal Dictionary

Our nation is suffering from crippling division due in large part to a contemptuous election season. Angry political pundits litter the airwaves with talk of “fake news”. Protesters furiously hoist signs in front of Trump Tower. Family members defriend one another on Facebook over political memes gone much too far. Democrats despise Republicans. Republicans despise Democrats. Enough! Let’s stop the poisonous vitriol and welcome in a new era of peace.

In the spirit of the holiday season, I am going to attempt to bridge the gap between the warring factions and restore unity through communication. Feeling confused about the latest buzzwords used by liberal-minded individuals on Twitter? As a Conservative, I have painstakingly researched the liberal mindset to gain clarity and insight into their world. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am going to attempt to bridge the gap between the warring factions and restore unity through communication.

My Conservative friends, I present my findings to you in, “The Liberal Dictionary.”

Safe Space: A place where college students can go if they have been subjected to ideas that differ from the progressive narrative taught by college professors and glorified by wealthy celebrities. Example: “I attended a lecture given by Milo Yiannopoulis. Fortunately, the college provided a safe space for me to color and pet a cute dog.”

Racist: A person that has a different opinion than a liberal; Any Republican. Example: “You voted for Donald Trump? You’re a racist!”

Xenophobe: A person that has a different opinion than a liberal with regards to immigration policy; Any Republican. Example: “You don’t want to help refugees from countries that harbor terrorists? You’re a Xenophobe!”

Misogynist: Any Republican male that disagrees with a liberal female. Example: “That man believes in saving lives of unborn babies. He’s such a misogynist!”

Safety Pin: A device formally used to fasten clothing together. Now worn by liberals upset by the democratic process used to elect the president as dictated by the US Constitution. Example: “Trump is not my president, so I will wear a safety pin to make me feel better.”

Offended: A distressing state of mind that causes censorship, kills freedom of speech, and encourages drama; the perpetual state of all liberals. Example: “Your coffee wasn’t free trade certified? I am so offended!”

White Privilege: A term used to condemn any success enjoyed by a Caucasian individual; an excuse some agitators use to justify racism against anyone with white skin. Example: “The reason you are a successful doctor with a bustling practice is because of white privilege. Your hard work hard work had absolutely nothing to do with it!”

Russian Hacker: A nefarious person who likes Vladimir Putin and works for Donald Trump. Example: A Russian Hacker is the reason Hillary Clinton lost the election.

Fake News: Any entity that puts out false news stories except: CNN ,MSNBC, NBC, ABC, CBS, New York Times, Washington Post, Daily Beast, Salon, Vox, PoliticsUSA, Buzzfeed, Think Progress, TPM, Alternet, or Huffington Post. Example: “Hillary Clinton lost the election because of the “fake news” stories reported by Fox.”